A bunch of things have happened to me over the the last few weeks and I find it perplexing.
I think since most people reading this have no idea who I am, I hope I can say these things honestly, objectively, dispassionately. Because they really are ordinary every day things.
I went to services with my daughter, as we do, and we were in the children’s service, as we do, and one of the children asked why we always hear the same stories, and do the same things. And the leader of the service explained that although we read the same story and hear and say the same words, what we take away each time is different.
In fact, we went on to read a story in which a boy wanted to participate prayers, but he couldn’t read and didn’t know any prayers. He only learned the first four letters of the alphabet. During the time before when we read the story, one of the children automatically added the fifth letter. And during this read, the leader made that a part of the story, so instead of showing the boy saying his four letters over and over for a prayer, he said 5. And I was struck by that. Just the simple change, from four letters to five. From yesterday to today, he already knew more now, today, than he did yesterday. So when she asked what we took away from the story, after the children had expressed their ideas, I raised my hand and expressed mine. And we talked as a group about how all our moments and all the people we meet give us a chance to grow and learn.
After the service, she thanked me for being there and staying to be part of the service. And I answered honestly, that I felt her service was the best and it was the only thing that inspired me. And I didn’t think I brought much to the table, but she assured me that she knew for the last few years that her services would be good services there because I would be there to help and support the group.
Two weeks ago, I was invited to a book party. And a week later, I was invited to a second book party by a woman who wanted to become a consultant to make extra money. When the second woman found out I’d been invited to a first party, she was upset, not wanting to take money from the other woman. I assured her I had a large enough order to split between the two parties leaving no one wanting. Honestly, I was grateful for the excuse to buy what I wanted, since I had felt the order I was putting together was really too large to justify, but split between two, it was just right. (Oh, nevermind that it’s all the same money, it’s totally different!) So the woman who ran the second party thanked me today especially for taking time to consider her and to find a solution that benefited everyone. But isn’t that what everyone does?
Today is one of the days that charities seem to solicit donations, so I made a few donations in various places, and besides the usual acknowledgements, one of my friends thanked me for donating to her house of worship. And some sentimental claptrap about what a good person I am and how much it means to her.
And it doesn’t make any sense to me. I feel so empty and so monstrous and so unlovable. If I’m a good person, why don’t I have children? If I’m deserving of praise, why do my arms and heart feel so empty? Why do I feel so lost?