So a pregnant friend of mine felt baby move and posted about how miraculous it all is and how close she feels to G-d and how blessed by the divine presence she is and how live, the universe and everything feels very much by design because nothing this amazing could happen by accident or random chance.
Reading that, all I could think was, “Huh. Reading about how how you feel your baby move makes me think the universe is a horrible, cold, uncaring, unfeeling place, and how could there be a loving G-d who caretakes us if I’m still here after all these years feeling bereft.” Now admittedly, some of my attitude may come from the fact that I’ve been reading the new Father Patrick Desbois, In Plain Sight, about the how the Germans methodically carried out the mass slaughter of Jews in villages throughout Russia and Ukraine, and that is really enough to give anyone doubts about divinity. But I’ve always, truthfully, had problems with the “have” aspect of G-d. That if you were blessed, you were worthy to receive blessings. And if you weren’t worthy of receiving blessings, you were cursed, your land was cursed, the fruit of womb was cursed and all that bad stuff.
I think growing up Jewish in the shadow of the Holocaust; that never really played for me. And that’s probably a good thing, because if I were like my friend in this scenario, I would believe that G-d was basically an asshole playing politics; giving to this one, and not to that one. Moving pawns around like a chess game for personal amusement. And then I would be a very angry person indeed.
The post came up again this morning on my facebook feed and there were so many “I agree” type comments. But they didn’t stop with just agreeing. Well, at least one person did. They posted a very sweet, “That’s such an amazing feeling,” kind of post. I like her already. It’s validating, but not endorsing. And then there were other people. Sharing their horrible uniformed opinions like; People who don’t believe in G-d are obviously stupid because clearly there’s a creator. Things just don’t happen by chance! People who believe that abortion should be legal and the parent(s)’s decision are obviously stupid because it’s OBVIOUSLY a real life. STFU. This was not an open-up invitation to share that you think abortion is wrong because obviously you’re the only smart person and you’re the only one who can properly decide what’s right for every other family in the universe. I’m sitting on my hands not to unload on this person. We’ve gotten into it before on this topic, when I was sharing about my girlfriend’s son who was diagnosed with a condition that was 99% fatal before age 2. She was telling me that it would have been better for her to have given birth to him, rather than have an abortion because the “worst” thing that would happen if he was born was that he would die immediately after. Okay, number 1, that’s not the worst thing. The worst thing is that he is never released from the hospital, where he’s forced to live for years until he dies — never well enough to leave, but still clinging to life, while the family starves itself emotionally and goes broke trying to pay for treatments that are ultimately futile. But you fucking do you. And number 2, I’ve had miscarriages and I mourn those children every day. But to have to carry around a child knowing that if he survived birth, his life would be daily agony until death’s release….I couldn’t do it. Some people can. Some people feel like this gives them a type of closure, and that being able to hold the body of their dead child completes something for them. I don’t think I could feel that way. I think it would shred my heart to pieces. That’s why I don’t make decisions for other people; because I know I don’t always feel the same way as they do. And that’s why those self-righteous assholes need to not make decisions for me. Because they’re OBVIOUSLY stupid and way more concerned with being right as they define their own rightness than being compassionate, loving, and understanding.
Yeah, definitely time to “Hide” that post. And breathe.